


Habits (Floodgates)

by rosieyixing



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kim Joonmyun | Suho-centric, M/M, OT9 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 00:03:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10978158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosieyixing/pseuds/rosieyixing
Summary: "Joonmyun is teetering.Because even though shame cuts off his breathing and creeps around his neck like prickly thorns he somehow always manages to snake his hands together behind his back, out of view from anyone as he keeps his right hand circled around his left wrist, indents of each finger evident on his skin."Because Leader Suho just needs to be appreciated and loved.





	Habits (Floodgates)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this somehow ended up as a yixing/suho pairing but I'm not complaining, both are precious and my heart hurts thinking about how much the members support and love each other.
> 
> this is non-beta'd so sorry if there are any mistakes!

Joonmyun catches his bottom lip in an act of defence. He thinks, for some absurd reason, it’ll help hold down the pressure constantly building in his chest. Sometimes he muses over whether his ribcage has been badly bruised. If his arteries have been tangled in a knot late at night when every member is sleeping.

 

He bites his lip now, in the darkness of his room. He can hear the soft snoring of Sehun, hears the occasional creaking of floorboards and the sound of the washroom light flicking on. It’s almost the same every night- save for the special occasion when Chanyeol or Baekhyun refuse to sleep. He’s almost glad they’ve decided to turn in early tonight because he doesn’t think he’d be up for the reprimanding.

 

Not when he’s been focusing his energy on _not_ focusing on the slowly expanding knot that sits heavy in his chest. Almost like a gaping hole. It usually hits him in the night. It makes his body feel hot, as if he’s wearing a pillowed jacket on his arms, the pressure increasing only when he _really_ thinks about it.

 

Really thinks about why he’s even feeling such emptiness.

 

And he knows it’s not really an emptiness. The feeling. It made him feel like cold floodgates about to burst, ruthless, a negative power that shouldn’t have existed yet it sat right in the pit of his chest.

 

He holds his breath, waiting for sleep to overtake him, and when it does, he lets go of his lip.

 

When Sehun wakes up first that morning he takes a long look at Joonmyun, his lips almost stuck in a pout, the bottom one looking puffy and red from his constant biting. The leader fell asleep in a curled position. He sighs and puts his hands on his hips, admiring how cute his hyung looked and when he left the room he made sure to put lip balm on the nightstand beside his bed.  

 

He really did need to stop biting his lips, Sehun thought, and with that he left the room for the shower.

 

Joonmyun soon wakes up to the sound of a fist pounding against the door and Jongdae’s cackling as Baekhyun shouts, “Sehun I swear if you don’t open this door I’m kicking you out of the dorm!”

 

He's about to go out and settle it when he hears the distinct sound of someone squawking indignantly and Sehun’s snicker, the very boy walking in shamelessly stark naked.

 

“Sorry hyung-baekhyun wouldn't shut up” he says wrapping the towel around himself.

 

“Yeah but shocking him into silence?” Joonmyun asks from behind his fingers.

 

Sehun just cackles. Their mornings often begin with someone cackling and it would terrify Joonmyun if one day it stopped. He breathes out heavily and licks his lips and twitches at the sudden sting. He sits up and brings a finger up to his lips and feels the cracks that sit on his lips and notices Sehun look over.

 

“The side table beside you, Hyung.” He says, pointing at the almost worn out chapstick. He laughs and plucks the cylinder tube up, smearing it on his lips.

 

“Thanks Sehunnie.”  

 

❦❦❦

Joonmyun often forgets to not listen out for the sound of silent footsteps that accompany the early hours of the morning. He’s managed to fine tune his hearing to those of his members to the point of knowing who’s walking down the hallway by just the sound of their walking.

 

It’s always been a habit of his, to ingrain as much as possible inside of him, that whatever it is, becomes second nature to him. He remembers the nice ajummas where he grew up and the routine that came with refusing their tea. He remembers things like how his mother woke him up softly some days and others like a hurricane. He remembers because he immortalized it inside himself, living because Joonmyun was living.

 

He smiles as he lays in bed, hearing the person walking in the hall stumble before slowly continuing. Chanyeol was always a clumsy one with his long limbs.

 

❦❦❦

 

When Joonmyun’s lip is too sore from the biting he begins to clasp his hands together softly. He doesn't even notice how warm his hands get. It doesn't register with the other members either, despite it being a small thing. It’s not like he’s really trying to garner their attention much these days anyways.

 

There are days without the discomfort of sweaty palms, where the day passes as any other.

 

But then he gets the feeling that something is crashing into him and starts gradually adding pressure. Sometimes he adds pressure to the point of crushing his left hand. It’s inconvenient when his hands start to randomly cramp, Joonmyun having to constantly flex his hands to soothe them.

 

Shame starts to crawl up his neck whenever he thinks too much about it. It’s probably most rare to catch the leader with white knuckles, hands clasping like a knot around his wrist. Joonmyun prefers to _not_ showcase what he considers one of his many odd habits.

 

He thinks of all the times some of the members picked him apart and poked at it with a couple remarks, and he thinks of how they said it jokingly, how of course they didn't really mean it because at the end of the day they were all there for each other.

 

But this, whatever it was, he couldn't _bare_ to have them pick at it, to joke about it.

 

It’s just that lately instead of whatever it is that makes Joonmyun feel like his chest is caving in at night has started attacking him during the day. It startles him into silence as he feels the familiar pinching. He paces in the washroom he escaped to, out of sight from anyone because he doesn’t think anyone should see whatever _this_ was. Maybe it’s the fact that it isn’t late at night but the caving seems to resonate deeper, his heart pounding with it.

 

His hands claw at the ceramic sink.

 

Someone knocks on the door which makes his heart pound faster in panic when he hears one of the staff members asking if he’s alright. Joonmyun shoos them off with a _yes_ and thinks that, yes, he’s definitely been away too long.

 

He spots a laughing Baekhyun and Jongdae when he exits and for some reason, the feeling of having to hide again creeps up but ignores it when Baekhyun catches his eye and beckons him over.

 

“Ya, Jongdae thinks he can hold a longer note than me.” Baekhyun says, a trace of disbelief in his voice.

 

“We’ve been _over_ this Baekhyun,” Jongdae says, leaning against Joonmyun. “You even admitted it once!”

 

“Not the point! What’s in the past should stay there-the future is now and so is my longer note.” Baekhyun pouts.

 

Baekhyun ends up with a flick to the forehead and he’s left to deal with it after Jongdae runs away, but, he thinks, that their shared banter is definitely something that distracts him.  

 

It starts to happen more after that. Sometimes it’ll happen in the middle of a movie while they’re all resting, or in the car travelling back and forth between schedules. But it gets to a point where he's constantly pulling himself back from subconsciously reaching for his other hand, constantly keeping back from the feeling of gaining control from the small bruises that start to form on his skin, just on the inside of his wrist.  

 

Joonmyun is teetering.

 

Because even though shame cuts off his breathing and creeps around his neck like prickly thorns he somehow always manages to snake his hands together behind his back, out of view from anyone as he keeps his right hand circled around his left wrist, indents of each finger evident on his skin.

 

He doesn’t bother to hide it, because why hide something nobody is looking for? Instead he gets called out on his perpetual habit of always standing with his hands behind his back, always perched on his feet like a gentleman. Joonmyun replies back with “It’d be good to follow suit, but not everyone can pull off being ill-mannered like you, Jongdae-ssi.”

 

It’s also very rare to get every single member’s approval of his witty retorts, but Joonmyun won’t say anything. Chanyeol’s whooping is probably the loudest out of all of them but he ends up on the floor wheezing. Minseok is the only composed one but he still smirks at the whole ordeal.

 

Jongdae is currently yelling about how unfair his remark was and Joonmyun just stands there giggling.

 

Yixing eyes him for a bit before giggling himself.

 

❦❦❦

 

Joonmyun breathes out heavily for the seventh time and restlessly turns onto his other side, glaring at the clock that read _2:45 AM_. At this rate he’s only going to get two hours of sleep before they all have to wake up for their schedule.

 

Joonmyun thinks he’s pushing it when he flops onto his tummy and scrunches his eyes shut as he covers them with his hands _begging_ for sleep.

 

“Hyung?” Sehun’s voice cuts through the dark. “Hyung-what are you doing?”

 

“Trying to sleep” He mumbles. Silence. Suddenly there’s the rustling from Sehun’s bed before he hears him softly padding across the room, peeling off Joonmyun’s blanket.

 

“Come sleep with me Hyung” Sehun says sleepily. When no movement comes from Joonmyun Sehun only slides into his bed himself, pulling Joonmyun into his arms as he rests his chin on his head, hair soft from the shower he took. Sehun breathes in deeply and secures his arms tightly around him and Joonmyun silently thanks him as he starts to feel the soft waves of sleep take him.

 

He feels Sehun sigh from behind him.

 

“You never used to have trouble sleeping before” Sehun mumbles. “You always used to take care of _me_ like this” he giggles out before tightening his hold on him.

 

Joonmyun pretends he doesn't hear.

 

❦❦❦

 

Joonmyun starts looking at his habits less objectively after he starts scratching his palm.

 

It happens after one of his usual attacks, the sadness fiercer and heavier, making it harder to shake off. He felt the tiredness clinging on him and the hole in his chest eroding into something deeper.

 

He's in the SM building but this time it's only him. He should be practicing with his members-in fact he'd rather be practicing with them right now- but instead he's roaming around the halls in an endless jitter, the restlessness carrying him around the familiar hallways he's always known.

 

He spots people carrying mic stands and other equipment in and smiles at them, offering a hand. He manages to make two rounds before he hears a _thunk_ and realizes he's dropped what looks to be a small amplifier. Embarrassed, the leader bows deeply in apology and runs off.

 

It's only when he slows down does he feel the pulse in his hand. He looks down and grimaces. Joonmyun had accidentally scratched his palm up, thankfully not deep enough to bleed heavily but the angry thin mark across his palm wouldn't be easy to conceal.

 

He slaps on a bandaid when he gets to the vocal room and forgets it ever happened, barely making room for the embarrassment that sits on his shoulders.

 

❦❦❦

 

When problems arise in EXO it’s up to Joonmyun to fix things. He takes his role seriously, and that means taking into account every member's feelings and making sure they’re not too tired.  He sits on the couch, watching the member's file in and out, quiet. His mind is running, reeling because even if they’ve been stressed, it’s never gotten to them like this. He feels a slight pang of guilt. Because shouldn’t he have been a better leader? How could he have just let this happen.

He makes himself responsible when any member burns out, because, he thinks, that no one should be worked to the point where even the beagle line come to him separately in one day stressed out.

 

Their upcoming concert had meant more practicing and more preparation and more _everything_. Even if Joonmyun was exhausted he couldn't show it. He thinks that if the members see their leader crumbling, their motivation would crumble right with it.

 

He goes to each member that night asking if they’re alright, and Minseok shoos him off so he and Yixing can sleep, the poor boy only getting back from China recently. He makes a note to himself to keep an eye on him, but he’s not worried all too much. Even if Yixing is oblivious, everyone here watches out for him.

 

Joonmyun opens the door to his room. Sehun keeps his face neutral, as if he had been expecting this but welcomes him with a smile nonetheless.

 

“Hey can we talk for a second?” Joonmyun asks.

 

“Of course,” Sehun says, patting the spot beside him. He walks over and pushes his legs under the blankets as he sits next to him. Sehun snuggles up to him, resting his head on his shoulder as he resumes scrolling on his phone.

 

“I'm just checking in-today was a particularly rough day.” He pauses, looking for the right words. “You feeling okay?” He settles with. Sehun stares at his hands for a bit before moving his fringe out of his face- a nervous habit they've all picked up on.

 

“Of course, today just happened to be not as good as others, that's all.” He said. “As long as everyone else is okay then I'm okay.”

 

Sehun looks at him earnestly. He starts to look at him almost imploringly and Joonmyun has to remind himself that Sehun is older now, the worry in his eyes more aged. Joonmyun just smiles at him and nods.

 

He stands up when suddenly Sehun’s voice stops him.“Hyung?”

 

“Yeah Sehun?”

 

“Are you alright?”

 

Joonmyun is stunned into silence for a second. Of course he is.

 

“Of course I am-” he shoots him another smile “-I'm not your leader for nothing” he jokes. Sehun looks hesitant but doesn't question it further and nods, returning his own smile. Joonmyun thinks he sees traces of relief on his face. Joonmyun’s just glad it isn’t sadness, he hates seeing a rough day get to anyone much less their youngest member who shouldn’t even be worrying.

 

When he’s done talking with Sehun, he goes to see if anyone else is in need of a one on one and listens to everyone who does talk, and only leaves when he’s made sure they got everything off of their chests.

 

He’s currently in the kitchen boiling water for his tea, listening to the silence. He quietly brings Kyungsoo a cup of tea as they sit in silence.

 

“I’m thinking of requesting an extra day off for our members,” He says as he hands over the mug. Kyungsoo looks surprised but accepts the tea nonetheless.

 

“That’s probably a good idea.” Kyungsoo says. “Another day keeping it up like this and we might just see someone rip a head off”

 

Kyungsoo wasn't wrong. Throughout the day Chanyeol had been feeling restless and finally snapped when Jongin and Jongdae were fooling around. Of course he apologized immediately after but Joonmyun can't shake off the shocked looks on their faces.

 

“Not that’d it be easy.” Joonmyun sighs, thinking about the reluctant tone he’s bound to hear on the phone.

 

“Make sure to tell everyone to sleep in tomorrow, okay? I don’t want to wake up to a bunch of confused boys wondering why they aren’t being picked up.” Joonmyun laughs out.

 

“Of course, I’ll let everyone know through the group chat.” Kyungsoo says, eyeing him as if he hung the stars. Joonmyun nods and gets up from his seat, turning away from Kyungsoo’s stare. He ignores the very vague _yes_ he hears in Baekhyun’s room as his phone lights up with Kyungsoo’s message and heads to the laundry room-probably the only quiet room in the dorm.

 

After his _very_ long phone call with the higher-ups he immediately jumps into his bed, turning off the lamp. Tonight he has no trouble sleeping when he knows each member will get their deserved rest tomorrow.

 

When he falls asleep he makes sure not to sleep on his hands, a blistering sensation swirling in his palm with even the tiniest amount of weight added to it.

 

The only thing appeasing his guilt lately was working himself to the bone. If that meant getting more heat for taking a day off then so be it.

 

❦❦❦

Joonmyun is the first one awake.

 

He walks past Sehun sleeping in his bunched up blankets and avoids the one creaky board in the floor as he does so, but he doubts anyone would hear the noise in their exhausted rest.

 

He breathes out a sigh and convinces himself that his ribs don't rattle with it.

 

This morning he wants to make breakfast, and gets to preparing the leftover side dishes from yesterday saved in plastic containers, preparing the eggs and rice.

 

He catches his reflection in the glass cabinet when he reaches for the plates, and he notices where his roots have started growing in from under the blonde. Usually things like this have only ever been a mere observation, nothing more, but today of all days any notion of time passing has him freezing.

 

Even if it is just hair.

 

He pulls at it the slightest and winces before emptying out his lungs and this time he doesn't care that his ribcage can barely hold it.

 

If Joonmyun accidentally drops a plate, it's fine because he can replace it with another one. If Joonmyun accidentally nips his palm while cleaning it up, he doesn't really know what can replace it but the aching in his chest.

 

He sets the dishes down, preparing everything before waiting for everyone to start slowly waking up. By the time Jongin makes his way out he's on his third cup of tea.

❦❦❦

 

Every member is very affectionate to one another, neither of them rejecting a cuddle or hug, but it startles Joonmyun when Yixing begins to start holding his hands out of the blue.

 

He doesn’t notice it at first but it’s hard not to after awhile when Yixing begins to constantly drag him by the arm to show him something; only to then somehow end up back on the couch with his hand in Yixing’s as they watch whatever they can find on T.V, or their hands on Yixing’s lap as he animatedly talks to the other members willing to talk.

 

He scratches the inside of his palm whenever he thinks too much about it and Yixing miraculously, somehow, brings him into the conversation whenever he does this. It effectively stops him as the attention turns on him.

 

It had been a week before he finally caught on.  

 

Yixing sits beside him on the sofa and laughs at whatever it is that's on t.v and Joonmyun notices, blatantly notices, how Yixing keeps his hands to himself and Joonmyun feels dread curl itself in his stomach.

 

He feels disbelief course through him when he purposefully grabs on to Yixing’s hands with both of his this time, looking at the beaming smile he receives from him, because… because _was Yixing preventing him from injuring himself?_

 

The thought sickens him, and it’s definitely not Yixing. No, it’s the fact that Joonmyun even needs someone _stopping_ him. It only makes his skin itch even more.

 

If Yixing noticed the way Joonmyun’s knuckles went white he doesn't say anything about it.

 

The day carries out as all the other ones this past week with Yixing by his side and he's only just starting to notice how _there_ he really is now. Always on Joonmyun in a flash if he so much as crossed his arms behind his back.

 

All week he had felt absolutely grateful because it's not often they get to see each other when the ladder is so busy with his schedule in China. But every time he thinks about _why_ he’s even there, why Yixing keeps holding his hand… it almost makes whatever is inside of him worse. He wants to hide but the self destructive part of Joonmyun that has built inside of him wants to confront the boy. He almost wants to be angry.

 

So he tries to scratch the red mark on his palm that still hasn’t healed yet when he knows Yixing is looking.

 

But this time, instead of looking for his hand as usual, Yixing slowly raises Joonmyun’s arm, holding it with his palm facing up, and he lightly traces the bruises that barely peek out anymore. His eyes are burning holes into his skin when he looks over the unhealed scratch, a frown burrowing onto his face and Joonmyun isn’t sure if he’s been breathing properly the entire time.

 

What kills him though isn't Yixing holding his hands.

 

He looks sadly into Joonmyun’s eyes and a pang of guilt pummels into him and the fading bruises on his wrist burn. He softly tugs his hands away from Yixing’s grasp and folds them in his lap as the familiar feeling of thorns make their way up his neck.

 

Another thing Yixing had distracted him from, he thinks sadly.

 

Joonmyun pretends to make a call and leaves the room, ignoring the look of anguish Yixing gives him. He's hoping the other members don’t pick up on their behaviour. After their schedule ends he makes sure to sit on a window seat beside Baekhyun.

 

He purposefully doesn’t hold his own hands. Instead rubbing them up and down his thighs.

 

“If that's another weird habit of yours or your hands are just always profusely sweating, by all means, continue.” Baekhyun mumbles out, chin bobbing where it rests on his chest.

 

Joonmyun does his nervous chuckle before patting Baekhyun, laying his head on his shoulder. This is better, he thinks. Looking after a member was what he was meant to do anyways.

 

When they get back it's late and he let's everyone shower before him because he knows he's going to have trouble sleeping again. He shuts himself in his room in the meantime and ignores Sehun’s eyes that have increasingly become more worried ever since their last talk.

 

It's only been a week. Joonmyun wants to wipe the look out of his eyes and replace it with something less heavy.

 

When he finally takes his shower, he thinks about his habits. His _shameful_ habits. His habits that somehow make him feel in control, something he just can’t get enough of. The hot water becomes scalding. He doesn’t know why he feels the need to press into his skin so hard that bruises form, why he has a scratch that should have healed _days_ ago, or bite his lips to the point where lip balm isn't enough. All he knows.. All he knows is that he can focus. The pain, it makes him focus.

 

_He likes… pain?_

 

Joonmyun’s breathing begins to shallow as he fully realizes the extent of it. Finally realizes that whenever he felt a lump in his throat, he also felt the same scratchiness in his palm, that same call that craved for the feeling of pain.

 

It makes him dizzy.

 

Because wanting to feel pain is not normal. He feels sickened by it. And now he knows why the shame always lingered, why he himself never fully indulged in the pain. A leader who has members relying on him, a leader who has the company relying on him and a leader who has thousands of fans relying on him should be strong. Shouldn’t want to feel pain when people out in the world suffering wish for a miracle to come along to free them of it. He’s absolutely sickened.

 

He thinks about why he even craves this feeling. Tries to trace it back, but the only thing that comes up is a name he can’t bare to say. Not now, not when he’s feeling so vulnerable. The start of it all, he thinks, was well before.

 

When everyone felt on top of the world.

 

_Before.. before..._

 

He abruptly shuts off the shower and bites on the inside of his cheek, stilling his thoughts. His face contorts because even if he can shut off his thoughts, he can never shut off the constant feeling that something is missing. He hates it. He pulls his hair when the feeling starts coming in like waves, filling the gaping hole in his chest. He hates it he hates it he hates it. Hates how the tsunami seems to drown him from the inside-how despite all that he still feels _pain_. And suddenly hot tears are rolling down his cheeks. He barges out of the shower, trying not to gasp because the pain is suddenly too much. The pain of having held it in, especially for this long, comes all at once. He wraps the towel around his waist and silently weeps, hands gripping the counter. He accidentally lets a whimper slip and bites his hand to keep silent, scared that someone might have heard him.

 

When you’re a leader you have to be strong. When you're a leader you can't let your ribcage rattle and when you're a leader, you can't let people see you crumble.

 

He was strong when everyone was at their weakest, when everyone was unsure about their future and strong again when it became even more confusing of what was going to happen. He wants to laugh because where is that strong leader now?

 

Suddenly there’s a knock at the door and Joonmyun _can’t stop crying_. He doesn’t realize he’s gasping for air and he barely registers the frantic knocking. Everything seems hazier except the burning in his lungs.

 

Have his bones finally given up on him?

 

 _Breathe_.

 

 _Just breathe_.

 

He feels like his lungs have somehow opened up.

 

_That’s it-I think he’s breathing okay now._

 

He realizes that he’s not alone anymore. Slowly, he opens his eyes. He’s still in the bathroom, but he’s on the floor, Yixing crouched beside him as helps him breathe. He closes his eyes when he feels other people’s eyes on him.

 

“He’s breathing properly now-Sehun, get him some water”

 

“Here,” A voice says. Kyungsoo.

 

“How did you-- ?” “You unlocked the door.”  

 

“I don't-” he tries. “-Shh, it’s fine Joonmyun. Come on.”

 

Yixing helps him up and leads him to his shared room with Sehun and Joonmyun isn't half aware enough to notice how only Kyungsoo and Sehun are helping Yixing.

 

As soon as he's sitting on his bed Kyungsoo shoves a glass of water in his hand, “drink it,” being the only words he let's out.

 

His chest aches as he washes down the entire glass. He feels exhausted as he sits there, too tired to feel embarrassed, to feel guilty at letting them see him at his weakest.

 

Panic grips him again and Sehun's there to replace it, holding both his arms as he lays him down under the covers.

 

“Shh, it’s okay hyung.” He whispers. “Just sleep.”

 

And for once Sehun looks relieved that Joonmyun is listening to him.

 

Joonmyun wonders where Yixing went. He wants him to hold his hands more than anything right now because it was the only thing keeping him together.

 

And he feels guilty. He was only trying to help but Joonmyun.. like everything lately, ruined it.

 

❦❦❦

 

The first thing Joonmyun does when he wakes up is find Yixing. It's the middle of the night and nearly everyone is asleep, Baekhyun’s muffled shout towards his game the only thing reaching his ears.

 

He ignores the creaks he makes as he turns down the hall, and he's about to open the door to Yixing’s room but uncertainty stops him.

 

He didn't know whether or not the man was angry at him for reacting in such a way earlier today. Guilt ebbs away at him, remembering how Yixing was only trying to help. It was enough knowing he owed him to get him through the door, only to find the said boy sitting up in his bed with the lights off.

 

Joonmyun jumps, covering his mouth before he makes a sound. His heart pounds anxiously as he looks at Yixing who looks exhausted.

 

“I'm sorry, I should have let you sleep.” Joonmyun says. When Yixing doesn't answer him it only makes him want to crawl in a hole. Yixing probably didn't want to see him, not after the entire ordeal that happened today, not him, not-

 

“It's okay” Yixing says. “I was already awake.”

 

Joonmyun nods, still not sure what to do. He takes a breath but stops himself because he doesn't know what to say.

 

“Come in.” Yixing beckons him, lifting his blanket. Joonmyun feels shocked, but enters nonetheless, making sure to close the door.

 

When he makes his way under the covers he sighs. They both let it be silent for awhile and Joonmyun’s grateful for the warmth.

 

“Look-”

 

“-I'm sorry.” Joonmyun cuts him off. “Please- just, I'm sorry about today and what happened after that and I'm sorry if you hate me because of that, you were only just..” _you were only being you._

 

“I'm sor-”

 

“Stop apologizing.”

 

Joonmyun freezes, sadly nodding. He understood. An apology wouldn't do it. He sighs and removes the blanket.

 

“Woah woah, where are you going?” Yixing asks, tugging on the back of his shirt.

 

“I thought you wanted me to leave.” Joonmyun says, confused.

 

Yixing only looks at him before laughing. He tugs him back under the covers and wraps his arms around him.

 

“Never.” He says. “I'd never want you to leave.”

 

Joonmyun's heart breaks at the words. He doesn't let him see his watery eyes. He knows a few other people Yixing didn’t want to leave either. This time he doesn’t react to the small pinch in his chest. Yixing only holds him tighter.

 

“Hey, are you okay? You went quiet for a second.” Yixing says.

 

Now it’s Joonmyun’s turn to laugh. If he thinks about it, no, he isn’t okay but for now, lying in the dark with Yixing is enough for him.

 

Yixing holding his hands is enough for him. Yixing holding him together is enough, because while he still carries pain Yixing was enough to heal it. He laughs again at the irony. Yixing only stares at him imploringly.

 

“Isn’t it funny how your power is healing?” Joonmyun asks instead. “You’re meant to heal children in war torn countries but you’re here.”

 

He takes Yixing's hands into his and examines his palms, his fingers, and holds it.

 

“How did you know?” He asks. It was a question that stuck with him since today's incident and it was a question that woke him up and brought him here to his room.

 

Yixing only looks at him, not having to ask about what.

 

“Whenever you were talking,” he grabs Joonmyun's wrist. “It seemed like you were barely there. Almost vacant, but still very _you_.”

 

“It's hard to say. You just seemed sadder. And then when Jongdae pointed out how you always stood with your hands behind your back, you looked panicked. And then I noticed the bruises, on your wrist.”

 

“Sehun even asked me about it.” He rubs his fingers over the non-existent bruises. This time softer. Joonmyun can barely breathe.

 

“And then I noticed how you were always hurting yourself.”

 

Yixing's words hit him like a punch to the gut.

 

“I thought, maybe, if I could somehow stop you from doing that, it'd be enough.”

 

“Enough for what?”

 

“Enough for you to help yourself, instead of hurt yourself.”

 

Joonmyun finally looks Yixing in the eye and searches. He finds hurt lingering and recalls the same hurt that lingered in Sehun’s eyes, that lingered in Kyungsoo’s eyes.

 

He doesn't want to be the cause of that hurt.

 

“Let's go to bed.” He says. And Joonmyun falls asleep next to Yixing, hands intertwined.

 

He has yet to wonder about the other members, has yet to panic over whether they know anything. He swallows down the guilt as he thinks of Sehun who was probably beating himself up over not being able to do anything. Joonmyun knew him better than anyone and started cursing himself for not considering everyone’s feelings.

 

He makes a resolution to himself as he hears Yixing’s soft snores beside him. He wasn’t going to let himself break anymore. He wouldn’t allow it. Not when it hurt others.

 

He briefly wonders what it would be like to finally let himself hurt for once before vanquishing all thoughts.

 

He falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> tell me if I should continue this! I would love to hear some feedback. Don't be shy!!


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